How to mourn without anyone dying

  1. Think about something mildly to moderately inappropriate.
  2. Ensure someone you love is in a good mood.
  3. Help them recover as soon as you communicate an inappropriate thought.
  4. Privately reserve yourself a day or two of self-exile in reclusiveness, separately letting offended lover and yourself recover.
  5. Turn your bedroom into a bona fide monastery and reclusive shelter.
  6. Mourn (preferrably with a silent Gregorian chant)
  7. Mourn again like you lost your innocent soul (which you did)
  8. Feel better and more conscientious than you did if you never did any of 7 steps.
  9. Touch base with offended person and hope they forgive you.
  10. Don’t try this more than once.
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